Disconnect
About 7 years ago, Lancelot and I left town. We packed everything in a moving truck and headed west to Arizona. We wanted to get out, get away, move on, live, find something different, something new. We found all that, but what I didn't find were friends.
Back home I left behind a thriving social life, lots of friends, people I connected with who connected with me. I lost it, and I haven't found it since.
Oh, I've met people along the way. Nice people. Funny people. People I respected. But for the most part I've never regained that sense of community that I had before I left home. Being back, I hoped I would find it again, but I haven't.
What happened? People leave home all the time and find their niches. They carve lives for themselves, make new communities. But I haven't. Not in Arizona and not really in Maryland and not now that I'm back home.
It shouldn't be a surprise because it's all my fault. I don't make much effort. I expect people to come to me, I expect life to come to me. And that doesn't get me anywhere but lonely.
I feel like I still have lots of friends, they're just far away. And though the internet has brought me so many close friendships, they're also far away, and maybe the internet also cuts me off from having to be active in the real world. Maybe it's a screen I hide behind.
I'm afraid. What if I can't find it again? I'm getting so used to communicating with my fingertips instead of my voice. What if I lose it entirely? I'm usually not a fearful person, nor am I inherently shy or awkward. Though I sometimes dread social situations prior to the event, in the moment I'm fine, I'm comfortable , I'm fun and interesting and even charming. Is it just that I'm out of practice? Or is there something else going on that makes it seemingly impossible for me to find my circle? Maybe I'm not as charming as I think.
But I'm resolved to try.
12 Comments:
Any time you would like, I'd love to meet you for a glass of wine and conversation in town. just name the date. My kids are with their dad for the next 3 weeks, and I'm feeling just as isolated and disconnected. I miss girlfriends. Anyway, let me know.
I've lived where I am for the better part of my life, and I feel the same way you do. And probably for the same reason as you do, too!
I sometimes wonder why I can meet all kinds of amazing people online, but can never find them locally.
Mmm. Hello, personal demon. What are you doing over here annoying Gypsy with your wicked ways? :)
Seriously, I completely understand this problem. (Because I have exactly the same one. :)) I'd invite you over to screen some 80s movies or something if it wasn't for the annoying little matter of a thousand odd miles of travel time. :)
The only thing I can think to advise (assuming you want advice; if not feel free to ignore this) is to check local event guides. Assiduously. And go and do things that look interesting. That's what I'm trying to do in the interest of solving the problem. (I'm not very good at it but I'm trying. :))
Good luck! (And if you find anything that works, share! :))
I had the same problem for a time, vowed to change that and did. I did exactly what rampant bicycle suggested, looked to the local events guide, found things I enjoy and made myself go. I made myself ask others to join me and was surprised by the response. I know this sounds cliche but "just do it". It takes a bit of persistance but it works...
I know what you mean, i've found it hard to make friends as an adult. Alot of it has to do with not being able to just hang out like we could when we were kids...
i'm pretty shy anyways in a social setting. You should join something...a gym, a book group, a craft thing...a dance class...
I know it sounds trite, but it's the only way to meet anyone anymore I think....
and Pshaw, it's not you silly
OMG!! I soooo understand what you are saying!
I moved to the area I live now back in 2000. I kept up old friendships which have now died away because of distance, and I have *never* found a new group of friends.
I have had friendships in the last 6 years, but none have been deep and none have lead to a consistent social life.
Going out and "looking" for friends helps but, it doesn't guarantee finding someone you actually click with! I feel like most of the time I am choosing between doing something I don't really enjoy *with* someone or doing something I do enjoy *alone*...I am beginning to prefer the alone option.
ps Meet Trouble for a drink! She sounds like a fun date.
I've lived all over...east, west, south, midwest (almost North - Wisconsin)...
I'm not highly social, although I'm a Gemini and intellectual wittiness is supposed to be my friend. I honestly can say some of the better friendships I've forged have started on the net
Here via Michele's today but am a lurker here a lot :) My best friend is like that, she doesn't put much effort into it but she's my friend just the same. I also tend not to trust people and that's why I lose touch with them.
Trouble: I'd love to! Drop me a line at strangegypsy at gmail dot com when you get a chance. Next week will probably work for me.
Megan: I wonder if it's some sort of loneliness epidemic.
RB: This is always the problem! Great people, zillions of miles away.
Jade: Thanks for the suggestions. I'm really going to try. I hope.
Karamia: I should. Thanks for the suggestions. My big fear, which is ridiculous, is that I'll join something and then run into someone I don't want to see. How ridiculous is that!? Being back home has screwed with my brain.
M: I hear ya on whether it's worth it to spend mediocre time with people. But I guess I won't know 'til I try. I think one of my big problems is that I don't give people a shot.
Cyndy: Mine, too! The people I "chat" with every day I've met in person a handful of times.
Sue: Working with the elderly doesn't help, I'm sure. *sigh* And thanks for the charming compliment. :)
when i get like this, it's usually because i'm afraid of something. are you living in fear, gypsy? ;)
making friends is HARD as an adult. we don't have that shared instant bonding you have as a kid. and unfortunately, it does require some effort. but it's worth it. i usually know cool chicks when i spot them, so i just ask if they want to grab lunch sometime. no commitment, nothing too stressful. that's how i met my best friend. she was working at my bank, and i could tell she was a hoot. it felt kind of weird, almost like i was hitting on her, but i didn't have anything to lose-- i was new in town and didn't know a soul. you gotta stick your neck out there.
anything worth having is worth taking some kind of a risk for.
also, having a network of friends takes a loooong time. it was 2-3 years before i really felt like i had a good group of friends here. it's one of the reasons i am reluctant to move closer to my mom. i'm crazy about my friends. i earned them!
don't beat yourself up. just take advantage next time you run into a chick you think seems cool. give it time. you can meet them anywhere too. friends of friends, dr.'s office, car shop, temp jobs....all places i have met friends.
and for the record, if you and i lived closer, i would totally meet up w/you. have you tried to meet any bloggers in your area?? i have had wonderful luck w/that so far. if you like their blog, you will probably like them in person.
Gypsy, I think I needed to read this post, and all of the comments to it, today. I've been sick for the last week, feeling miserable and sorry for myself, for many reasons including the fact that none of my close friends are around. To put it more specifically, I have close friends but they are all living in states far away from New York. I've been living here for almost two years and I have only managed to make one good friend (and she moved away). This is totally different from my boyfriend, who is a social magnet.
Part of this is because I've worked an insane amount of hours, but a big part of it is me. I'm not a fan of pointless small talk, I hate going to work events, and I have not enrolled in a single class that might facilitate me actually meeting some cool girls that would be fun to hang out with.
Reading your post and all the comments today caught me at a moment when I had been thinking about that, and thinking that once I shake this damn cough, I need to start to change things, and develop some kind of circle of girlfriends in town. I don't know how to do it....but I'm going to try to commit to doing it.
Sorry for the long post, but thanks. Apparently there are many of us in the same boat. Now if only y'all lived in NYC.
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